Skip to main content

A Circumstance of Faith

April 20th is a day that will forever be just a memory away. It's the day my dad died. He had battled cancer for a year. That was twenty-seven years ago and at times I can recall it just as if were yesterday. I was nineteen when my dad died. Only nineteen. That was a life changing moment for me. In years I was a woman, but in so many ways I was still a little girl in need of her daddy. My life went spiraling out of control.

So, in April of this year when my mom got a call from her doctor it sent me back all those years ago. My mom had gone in for her check up. An x-ray showed something unusual. She was sent for a CT scan. The days waiting for the results were difficult. I'm much older than nineteen now, but when this is your parent, I don't think your age matters what bit. Your still scared. Just as when my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer I tried to be strong. I'm not really sure I ever cried in front of my parents that entire year.

My mom was nervous. In her mind she already knew she had cancer and was dying. She announced, "I don't care what it shows I will not have any kind of treatment. It is what it is." My mom is a woman of faith, but I knew she was frightened. She had seen my dad go through a terrible trying time and she didn't want any part of that again. I had to respect her wishes.

Unlike twenty-seven years ago, I am now a woman of faith. I knew in my gut that this was nothing. I feared what it could be, but I wasn't even going there. Not yet, anyway. The nurse had told my mom, "There is a mass in your lung and we have to find out what it is." Those words brought deep anger to me. My dad had found out through a phone call that he had cancer. I wasn't about to allow my mom the same. I called the doctor. I didn't get answers, so I went into the office. I read the report and it wasn't a mass. It was "something" that was two centimeters in diameter. Once my mom heard the word mass everything stopped. She was no longer thinking clearly, but found herself in fear. All I wanted to do was comfort my mom. I could imagine my mom going to bed that night with a pillow covered in tears.
I began praying. I remember when my dad was sick I would pray. I didn't know Jesus as my Savior, but I knew there was a God. At least I did until my dad wasn't getting better. Then I was angry. I was bitter and I knew without a shadow of doubt there was no God. Now as I look back, even though I refused to believe in God, He was right there with me. He was creating an opening for me to come to know Him. Oh, isn't that how we are? When things are going the way we wish God is real and great, but the moment things begin to go a different course, Jesus isn't real at all. He couldn't be. If He were, He would show Himself real, right?

That's not how believing works. I know that now. While waiting on the results of my mom's tests I poured my heart out to the Lord. When I was all alone the tears came easily. My thoughts were, "Lord, not again. Not my mom." I could feel fear welling up in me. I grabbed my Bible and began reading His Word. I could feel Him easing my doubt. With each prayer, with each word uttered, I could feel His strength and His tender mercy washing me into peace. It was then I knew that whatever happens I will still believe. Faith is trusting in the Lord when you can't see what's about to happen. I spoke through tears and said, "Lord, whatever Your will. That too is what I want."

My mom's tests came back and there was nothing unusual in the CT scan. I lifted my hand and said, "Praise Jesus", before my mom was even off the phone. I told her, "See Mom, I told you everything would be okay. No matter what, I told you Jesus would take care of everything." I wish I had known that kind of faith when I was nineteen. It would have brought me through a time in my life that almost destroyed me. But just as the Lord brought me through then, He has carried me through other trials that I didn't think I would survive. By the grace of God I am here to tell you that God never leaves our side. As He brings us through one trial, He is preparing us for the next. My faith has grown deeply as I have witnessed Him move in my life. I can honestly tell you, I was ready to hear the worst of news or the best of news. Whatever it was to be I knew that the Lord would guide us. I knew that no matter what He would bring us through and be with us each step of the way.

This April was the anniversary of my dad's home going. My dad was saved just a few days before he died. Again, God is so good. He had a plan and that plan included bringing my dad to salvation. In that I have peace and comfort. I know without a doubt I will one day see my dad again. It was during this same week that all this was happening to my mom. I think this is one reason it hit her so terribly hard. I'm not sure my mom will ever totally heal from losing my dad. Does anyone really? That pain is just one memory away always.

In my journey with the Lord I have learned that I either believe in Him or I don't. I either trust Him all the way or I don't. On this journey of faith I have come to that place that no matter what I still believe. My prayers were answered and God's answer happened to be what I wanted to hear, but what about in those times in the future when my prayers are said and they have reached heaven, but the answer is no? What then? Prayer isn't about getting what I wish for. Prayer is a conversation between me and my Savior. In faith I must be willing to accept His answer whatever it may be.

I say this now, but more trials will come. My faith will be tested. This world will try to shake me. No matter what changes come we serve a God who is never changing. I am to pray for His will. After all, He sees what I cannot. He knows the outcome and if I'm willing to follow Him all the way, He will show His mercy and grace. His plan will unfold before my eyes and if I'm focused on Him I'm going to witness His boundless glory.

We can't allow the circumstances of this world to shake us. Our core must remain solid in Him. But friends, it's through those very trials that we learn more about Him. In learning about Him we learn more about ourselves. There is no Goliath too big for God. He knows every detail to every situation we face. We don't have to fear at all, for He is already there ahead of us preparing a way.

We must walk in hope and we can with our Savior. We can be encouraged through His Word. We can be inspired by His life. We can be transformed by His love. Sometimes the unexpected is going to come. We can't be prepared for all circumstance that touches our life, but we can be so firmly planted in Christ that when those life altering moments come He is the One we turn to for support. It's okay to scream. It's okay to cry. We are going to be angry. God created us with emotions. We feel pain. We hurt and confused. But friends, that's the beauty of having a Savior. We can go to Him and be honest. He is accepting of us and He will meet our needs. He fills that void. He comforts where nothing else can. He eases burdens. He gives strength when we are weak. He is there for us. I have come to realize that He is my all.


I know that there are other issues my family will face. Life is filled with trials and pain. It's part of our walk. It too is filled with love and laughter. It's the journey with Jesus that changes everything.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:6-7

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The One True Love of Alice-Ann by Eva Marie Everson

Oh, just where do I begin? This is the stuff in which great novels are made. I made my way through this richly beautiful novel turning page after page with such deep emotion and thought. I couldn't turn the pages quick enough, but I didn't want it to end to soon. It's one of those novels you could continue reading as long as there were pages. No page just made of fluff, words with no meaning on the page. Every single line in this novel created a story that will last in my heart forever. 
Ms. Everson, I am so happy stories of the war were shared with you. Oh, to have your Sunday school teacher share with you, "You can't choose who you fall in love with, but you can choose who you marry", is a blessing that has now enchanted your readers. What a story you have weaved together. History penned with such depth, detail, and a story that captures the heart. 
This lovely story begins in 1941. The war has started. Picture a family gathered around the Zenith to hear t…

The" I Am" Makes Us Think About What "i am"

In Genesis 1:26-27 it shares something valuable to each of us about who we are in God. We are created in His image. What I love about this verse below is that is says, "make man in OUR image". What's OUR? The trinity, God, the Holy Spirit, and Christ Jesus. Ponder that. I mean really go deep. We are make in THEIR image. 
"Then God said, "Let US make man in OUR image, according to OUR likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth. So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him, male and female He created them."
We are His workmanship. He knew us before we were ever born. He weaved us together within the womb, but even before then He planned our life perfectly for us. That's so much to ponder isn't it? 
"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared…

Unexpected Blessings

The last words my dad spoke to me from his hospital bed were, "Rob, take care of your mom." Those are words I have never forgotten. I have not only honored them for my dad, but for my mom. I too am commanded by my Father to honor my mother and father.
"Honor your father and mother so that you may have a long life in the land that the Lord your God is giving you." Exodus 20:12
My mom gave her life in caring for me. On my first birthday, my very first Christmas, was spent in the ICU as I was very sick with pneumonia. A little later I would burn myself with spilled coffee. A few years later I would tumble down many stairs and once again spent time in the hospital. 
I remember all the times I was sick and could feel my mom's hand brush against my forehead as she checked for fever. All the times she must have stayed up all night as I was sick. 
When I was little she would pour me a bowl of Raisin Bran. I loved it. Only I didn't like the raisins. She would take t…

The Glassblower by Petra Durst-Benning

I came across this selection on Amazon. I had seen so many reviews that it intrigued me. I had never read anything from this German author. The cover caught my attention as did the description of this novel. 
It's a part of a trilogy. I am getting ready to open up book 2, The American Lady. I cannot wait to begin. I tell you this book marveled me. I wasn't quite sure what to expect. What a journey into another time and place. 
We travel to Germany where this novel is set. The year is 1890 and we find ourselves in Lauscha, Germany. The author did a fantastic job at the perfect description of not only the area, but circumstance, and heart of the characters. Her writing style flows so easily that the pages almost turn themselves. 
The characters are easy to love. Three sisters who are now wondering, after their father had passed from this earth,  how they will now provide for themselves. It isn't going to be easy, but these sisters show us how to prevail over challenges that…

Of Stillness and Storm by Michele Phoenix

This is my first novel read by Michele Phoenix. I love the premise of this novel and all that she opened my eyes to. We always hear of the 'calling' by missionaries. We want to go where God calls us. We want to make a difference. 
To be called by God isn't the same for every soul. We all fit differently into His plan. Our walk with Him isn't ALL we do for His name, but our relationship with Him, our intimate journey with our Savior. 
This novel is raw and transparent. For me, it was the journey of Lauren. We see that her husband feels called to work in Nepal and with the people, but we really don't read about much of his personal journey. 
Their son, Ryan, is struggling. We can see through the conversations he has with his parents that he is truly unhappy. We see the fall, but we don't really get a close glimpse into his heart. 
It is with Lauren that we journey. She feels alone and lost. Through her words we can 'feel' the pain in her heart. She is br…