As a writer things are always going through my mind. I take notes on everything. I listen to the wisdom others share, grab my pen and paper and write it down. If you are standing next to me and I grab my pen, well, you my friend have said something to stir my heart. I write down lines from characters on television. I write down quotes. I simply write down everything!
I can usually come to my computer each morning and my fingers just begin to move. My heart stirs and I get goose bumps at times. Times when I sit back as I think I am writing for another, but in fact the Lord has spoken to me, to my heart. As I look back, I think that is what most of my writing is. It is my experiences shared with the Lord, good and bad. It is my life written down for others to see. I can see from that first writing to now, just how the Lord has changed me and moved in me. I can see when His presence was with me and when He was trying to reach me.
As of late I think I have had a writers block. That has simply never happened to me before. I have always been able to just sit and write, at times for hours. But now, something must be stirring in my heart. Maybe something is missing among all these feelings floating around in my head. Changes are happening and I am not sure what or why. So, what does this mean to me? It means I step away from the computer and seek out the Lord. It means I step back away from myself and find out what it is He is trying to say to me.
We find ourselves moving right along and then when things stop the rhythm and a different beat comes along we are not use to it shakes us. I think it is meant to. Those little tremors that come before the earthquake are meant to be warning signs. They are there to protect and guide us to safety. So, is the Lord trying to tell me something? I think I already know. I think in many ways I have been moving away from Him. Yes, this girl who writes about Him and His love daily is not where she needs to be. I need to get my head back into His word. I need to search Him on a new level. You know how we have our favorites to read in the Bible? Well, I think I get stuck reading the same thing over and over. I get comfortable in what I know. But we cannot grow if we simply stay in what we know. We need to go to the next page and see all that is there for us. I don't think God meant for us to be comfortable. He meant for us to be on the edge of our seat. Not knowing what is going to happen next, but totally trusting Him in each moment.
Do I think my writing is over? No, I think God wants to take me to a new level. He wants me to share more and honestly, I am not sure I am ready to share all there is, but He knows the blessings that will reap from just opening up and really being honest with others. I struggle. I really do. I don't have all the answers and you know, I am not so sure I want them all. I want to just trust in the Lord and His guidance.
I remember a time when I wanted to be in control. I remember wanting things my way. I don't want that any longer. I want to open my hands and give Him all my insecurities and questions. I want Him to lead the way. I think I am just afraid of where He is asking me to go. Do you ever feel that way?
I am excited about teaching our youth at church again. That takes preparing and passion. I do have a passion for them. For this age group of young people who are searching. I want to be that leader they can trust and know will be on their side. For me to be that leader, I must be a follower of Christ with everything I have. There can be no self involved.
As my mom is still struggling, I too am struggling with her. Things are not easy. Her personality is changing. Her actions toward me are changing and if I am honest, she is just downright hurtful at times. I honestly do not know what to do with that. I find myself angry and not wanting to see her. Isn't that terrible? I should be there at her side doing everything I can. But, I am not sure what she wants. At times I think she wants me there, but when I am, I seem to be doing the wrong things. At times I feel like she is blaming me. I just feel like the fall guy, and I don't want to. I know the Lord is doing a powerful work in me here, because I seem to just be sitting back and being patient. Or trying to be patient. That is not always easy. I am seeing things with my mom that are unsettling and for a daughter, it breaks your heart when all you want to do is help, but maybe your help is not being accepted. I feel used at times. I feel as though she only wants me there when she needs something. See, I told you. I struggle and it kills me to feel this way, but I know I am not the only one.
Steve (my husband) is still looking for work. Just when he seems to find something, it just doesn't work. I am so tired of people saying one thing and doing another. There are so many out of work and hurting. I think I just might be angry at the whole mess. I mean what do you do?
My back has been hurting for the past few days. It is one of those things that just comes. I can bend over and there it goes. I don't even have to do anything. But when I am down in my back many times all I can do is lay in bed and that is when I begin to wonder. Is God trying to tell me something here? He is trying to tell me to just stop and look up at Him? Am I losing my focus? I think I just might be.
So, see my friend, you are not the only one who struggles in their walk. We all do. Sometimes our walk is one that we wake up excited about and others we find ourselves struggling for the energy to go another day. For me, it is in those very struggles I do not want that I find the Lord trying to teach this stubborn girl something of value.
I have a list of things I need to do today. I might be able to do some, but very slowly. Maybe in fact the Lord just wants me to slow down and begin to check my list to see what is really important. Maybe I have things on my list that can wait. I have been putting things before Him lately. I think He is just plainly telling me, "Hello, I see you are really busy, but I would love to spend some time with you."
So, when you come to my page, forgive me if it is not filled with posts of encouragement. Sometimes we all must take a few steps back to see what God has in store. Sometimes we must step away from the pen so we can do a little reading of our own. Like to see what the Lord is writing on our hearts. He is writing on mine and I need to take a good long look to see what He is saying.
If you are struggling today, don't think you are alone. Life is a struggle. Life is hard and sometimes things just don't make much sense. But we are never alone. If you are angry, talk to God. If you are confused, reach out to Him. If you are just stuck, look up and see where He wants you to go. If you are tired, He will give you rest. If you need wisdom there is no better place to go than His word.
2 Peter 1:3-11 "by His divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know Him, the One who called us to Himself by means of His marvelous glory and excellence. And because of His glory and excellence, He has given us great and precious promises. These are promises that enable you to share His divine nature and escape the world's corruption caused by human desires. In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God's promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But those who fail to develop in this way are shortsighted or blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their old sins. So, dear brothers and sisters, work hard to prove that you really are among those God has called and chosen. Do these things, and you will never fall away. Then God will give you a grand entrance into the eternal Kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."