Thursday, May 13, 2010

one hand

I remember being a tiny girl and holding my mother's hand. I usually loved to hold my mother's hand, unless I wanted to do something else. She would hold my hand walking across the street, while in the store, or just out and about. I loved the feel of my mother's hand, but I remember those times when I wanted just to stand alone and not hold her hand. Those times it which she grabbed for my hand and held on tight as I wiggled loose, only to try to venture out on my own, later to only find myself in more trouble.
Its a funny thing to grow older and find yourself like your mother in some ways. Okay, probably in more ways than not. In raising five children, you don't have enough hands to hold onto everyone, so there are times you make a train. As I would hold one in my arms, holding onto two more and those two holding onto the other two. I would love it when my husband was with us, more hands and more eyes. Usually our kids were always great, but there was always one who wanted to venture off on their own. You know, as your holding their hand, they are trying with all their might to let go and run! All the while this movement is going on, you have been a momma long enough to know how to hold on tight, and the more they wiggle, the more you have them. At times it can be a constant battle. You know you need to hold their hand for safety and protection, while all they are thinking about is the fun in front of them. As mom you know whats best, so you hold on tight.

Just as I tried hard to wiggle away from my mother, I too try to wiggle away from God. The more He tries to hold on, the more I try to get loose and go off on my own. And what happens when I get loose? I find myself in deep, over my head, only wishing I would have held on. Yes, it is still a constant battle with Jesus holding my hand, protecting me, keeping me safe, leading me through this path, and my everlasting flesh, calling out all that is in front of me. Too many times I wiggle loose and find myself crossing the street without His guidance and protection.

Why is that? I love holding Jesus' hand just as I did my mother's, but for some reason, there are still things that grab my attention, and I think I can find my own way. But praise His holy name, just as my mother would run after me, calling my name, He too runs after me, never leaving me to go to far.

I love hearing Him call my name. And oh, how many times I come humbly back to Him, with my head down, tears running down my cheeks, knowing I have faltered. I remember when I would disobey my mother. I know that look on her face so well. A look I wish I didn't remember, but I will never forget. A look of such disappointment for disobeying, but a look of love, unconditional love, that always accepted her daughter into her arms.

I know I have disappointed Jesus too many times to count, but praise Jesus, He doesn't keep score. He forgives me, and never again looks back on that missed opportunity for blessings, but He reaches out to me, filling me with His Spirit and I know that feeling of love from Him very well, it is a feeling like no other. The struggles I wiggled through could have all been avoided by just holding on. When I let go I learned lessons, great lessons, but with much heartache and trial. It is when I wrestle with letting go that I hear the Lord whispering, "Just be still my daughter. Hold on to Me." When we wiggle loose, we may be out of His hand, but we are not out of His sight. He forever has His eye on upon us and knows just where we are.

Being in the shelter of His love is like no other. There is no place I would rather be, but in the shadow of His love and grace. He gave all for me. He gave for those days I wiggle and get loose. For all those days I cross the street on my own, thinking I know the way all to well, only to get lost in pride. All those days something else catches my eye, He is there to lead me back to where I am to be.

I am forever thankful for the hand that gave all for me. For one day I will see those hands, those scared hands and I will reach out and never let go again. It is in His hands that I find love, hope, and faith.

Just as this little girl reached up for her mother's hand when I was small, I now reach for the hand of God to guide me. In His hand I still find myself so very small, but in His hand I find all that I am and all that can be.
Jeremiah 29:11-14a "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity."
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