Sunday, April 12, 2009

Finding myself

As I dressed this morning for church,I bet I changed clothes eight times. I would put one thing on and while I thought it looked okay my husband had other thoughts. Although I always take his style into consideration,I usually dress how I want to,and usually he always tells me how pretty I look,but as I was dressing this morning I found myself thinking I wish Ashley and Whit were here to help me. It is awesome when you have beautiful daughters that you can share clothes with. They would help me with my hair at home,and I would help them figure out what looked the best. I remember I had this pair of black shoes that I just loved,and Ash didn't have the same thought. She hated those shoes,and even made points to hide them. It is just one thing amazingly wonderful about having daughters to share those experiences with. Of course since it being Easter Sunday you want to dress really nice. I think that is what troubled me so this morning and really hit,that they were no longer down the hall to call in my room,and say,''Hey girls,does this look okay?' Things hit at different points and at different moments of time. As my children grew I found myself in them,I could even see my younger self in my daughters. As they are no longer at home, it has even been four years,and it is still difficult. You get used to your children by your side,with you during happy times and lifting me up at hard times. Always sticking together. I taught my children many things,and taught them well. They also taught me wonderful things, mostly to laugh,have fun,and to listen. To find the beauty of someone inside,not just by their apperance.The relationship between a mother and a daughter is something magical. You just have this amazing bond that you think will last forever,and nothing will ever seperate you. That is a misconception.when they are small things are just smooth and great.Atleast it was for me.I can really say they were wonderful people to be around,and spend your days with.As they get into those teen years,no one prepares you. As they are trying to find themselves,you too are trying to figure out who you really are. I think these were the hardest years for me.As your children grow you get lost in them, your involved in every aspect of their lives. Your there every step of the way giving everything you have,and then one day everything explodes and they aren't there.Your life turns upside down in a million different directions.For those four years I was in such a deep depression. Life could have ended and I wouldn't have cared. You lose a part of yourself also.I have heard everything there is to say. It will get better over time,give it to Jesus,let it go,live your life,just let them be and things will work out, just keep praying,all moms and daughters go through this,it will be okay,just keep trying, God is in control, He has a plan,find something interesting to do, now you can have time for you.I got so tired of hearing all this great advice. No one can understand fully until they too have been there,and gone through all that we have. Its easy to hand out advice when its not you. I never thought I would recover from not having my girls in my life,and I still havent. I miss them more than words can say.Each day is a struggle,but I make it.Through this time I am finding myself.I have grown closer to the Lord,and He gives me my stength. I have learned to trust God with all. I have opened my hands to Him,opening them and giving Him all of my life. I see Him working in me,and I know each day is a new day,and He still isn't finished. I love learning and growing with Him. I have amazing friendships,some are the sisters I never had. I have made new friendships that I am so excited about. I have been involved in many more things. I started writing. You learn about yourself so much when you go through these valleys. The mountain tops are wonderful,but its the deepest valleys in life that make us who we are,and change us into what Christ wants us to be. If it were not for the valleys,would we really call upon Jesus daily? If it were all mountain tops we would praise Him,but we would just be comfortable. We are not meant to be comfortable,we are meant to change leaving our old selves behind,and finding the new in Christ. I have been a christian for almost seventeen years,and the last four years of my life has brought me more closer to Him and really knowing Him,really having a relationship with Him that deepens through each day. Everyday is not perfect,and I mess up all the time,but I know He is there,loving me,guiding me,and somedays carrying me through. I would not be who I am without Him,and I would not be who I am without my beautiful daughters being brought into my life. I have learned the meaning of hope, and trust. The Lord has taught me things come in His time,not mine. He has showed me each day all I have to do is call upon His name,and He is there. So much of my life has been with my children that its hard to get used to them not being here,I'm not sure I ever will,but I know God is working and He isn't finished yet. So when I dress, or shop, go anywhere my daughters are always with me in my heart. That is where I carry them. I think it takes us a daily looking into the mirror and getting on our knees to know who we really are. At the end of the day its Christ who makes us who we are. He brings people in our lives to show us many wonderful,sometimes hurtful things to create in us Himself. So have I found myself? Sometimes, but I'm still growing,and still learning each day and learning something new about myself everyday.


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