Tuesday, May 13, 2014

When Will I Trust Again?

How long after being wounded does it take one to trust again? Those wounds found deep within the heart are not always visible to the world. I have many scars that tell of surgery or an injury, but those wounds that cut deep into the heart remain hidden still yet. They are no less real than those that can be seen.

I want to trust. I want to walk inside church again and feel something more than the pain in my heart. I pray. I don't want to hold pain hostage. I want to free it. I ask God to take it. To change it. To create beauty from the ugly. He frees me. But there it is again as I pass by a church. 

I remind myself that we are all sinners. We will let others down. None of us are perfect. We believe. We say we are Christian, but actions speak volumes over words. I know that I am to go to church and not take hold of the junk, but simply worship. But friends, is it really that easy? 

My husband says to me, "Hon, you just gotta keep looking. You will find where God is calling you to be". Can I be honest? I'm tired of looking. I don't want a new church. I want my old church back. I want to worship with those I called family. I want to open my Bible in Sunday school with women who have been my friends for over twenty years. I want the hurt to disappear. But it doesn't go away. I compare every church we visit to our home church. It feels strange to still yet call it our home church. 

Wouldn't one think the pastor would call? Wouldn't one think someone inside the church would move? I feel so broken and alone. I feel like all that I have known has been turned upside down and what really kills me is that I feel like I never mattered. That isn't easy to overcome. Is it me that should move? My heart has so many questions. I remain in prayer as I wait to hear the answers. 

I am surrounded by love. I am blessed with a husband that I love more today than yesterday. My life is filled with love and laughter from my grandchildren. My children light up my life in ways that still surprise me. Friends fill my heart with inspiration and encouragement. 

To wake each morning and praise God is a gift. To soak up His Word for hours is a treasure. To seek His calling is a gift beyond all measure. I feel His love. His presence is forever near. Every day I learn something new about Him. In seeking Him with all of myself, He is sure to show me new aspects of myself that grow daily as I journey with Him. 

There are days that my heart soars to move forward and accept the new, but yet there it remains. Can I really move forward without fully letting go of the wounds that still bleed in my heart? Forgiveness is not saying that what was done or not done is okay. Can we really leave things undone? Friends, we cannot find peace with undone. 

What do I do? Do I walk back in this church after two years? If so, what is it that I should do? Do I act like nothing has happened? What can be said when one really doesn't know what happened? When a family decides to visit new churches that doesn't mean they no longer love those they have attended church with for years. Growth comes with change. Growth comes from seeking God with all of your heart. 

What hurts is that no one has come. No one is asking, "What happened?" People just assume. Stories are told, but nothing of truth is being said. Friends, why do we do this to those very people we say we love? How do we ignore those who have filled the pew next to us? How is it that we make people feel as if they never mattered at all? 

I never want to make another person feel the way my family feels today. I want to live in God's grace and mercy and love. I don't want bitterness to take root in my heart. I don't want anger to boil in my gut. It's hard to trust again. 

Those that I shared so much with. Those that I felt so near to. Those very people that stood in the love of Christ with me. Where are they? There are some. Some who stand out among the others. They love. These very people embody the love of Christ. Yes, it is these people that I want surrounding my life, so why does it hurt so terribly to have an emptiness where those who once did are now gone? Friendships have died. Ties that once were so strong are now broken. Why do we do this to those we love? Was there no real love to begin with? 

I just want to be free from the wounds that still bleed. I want to be a part of a growing church and fellowship with sisters and brothers in Christ that want to make a difference in the world. I want to share the Word of God with friends and reach the community that we call our own. 

I don't want fake. I don't gossip. I don't want to be a part of anything that isn't God. I visit churches. I have met sweet people. I have heard sermons that have stirred my heart into the motion of change. I don't want to grow stagnant. So, why can I not let go of the wounds that keep me back? Why do I even want to go back? Is the reason because I was comfortable? Because that was all I ever knew? 

Following Jesus is a journey. I can choose easy or I can choose Him. God's not in the business of pampering His children. He's in the business of perfecting them. I am learning that the journey isn't about what I want, but about what I need. Right now I need to let go and let God. It isn't easy. He is taking this mess of a heart of mine and bringing healing. Healing comes from being honest. It comes from searching for more than what we think it is we need. 

We cannot judge our God by His children. We are not the nicest of people all the time. We make mistakes. We create messes with our mouths and our attitudes. We push what's right, or what we think it right, instead of simply loving people and letting God do the rest. Peace comes when we find freedom from this world and realize that this isn't our home. Life isn't always going to make sense. God moves in those moments that makes our world spin and our heart yearn for more. 

I'm just a girl who loves Jesus. I'm an imperfect sinner saved by the sweet grace of God. I try to figure things out, but you know what? We can't always do that. Sometimes we just have to let go. We have to let the tears fall and give God room to change us. In many ways walking away from our home church was terribly difficult. But in many others it was the best thing for my walk with Him. But my heart hangs on to yesterday's memories that fill my heart. I wasn't growing any longer. My pew was much too comfortable, but yet my heart was unsteady and unsure. 

When we don't know what to do we pray. We pray until we hear from God. I am searching for ALL He has for me. I know without a doubt, He doesn't want me to lie in the wounds of others, but He wants to bring healing. It may take time, but I know I will get there and through it all He will create in me nothing less than magnificent beauty. 

"Don't worry about anything: instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." 
Philippians 4:6-7

"This is my command-be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." 
Joshua 1:9

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take." 
Proverbs 3:5-6


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