Skip to main content

When Will I Trust Again?

How long after being wounded does it take one to trust again? Those wounds found deep within the heart are not always visible to the world. I have many scars that tell of surgery or an injury, but those wounds that cut deep into the heart remain hidden still yet. They are no less real than those that can be seen.

I want to trust. I want to walk inside church again and feel something more than the pain in my heart. I pray. I don't want to hold pain hostage. I want to free it. I ask God to take it. To change it. To create beauty from the ugly. He frees me. But there it is again as I pass by a church. 

I remind myself that we are all sinners. We will let others down. None of us are perfect. We believe. We say we are Christian, but actions speak volumes over words. I know that I am to go to church and not take hold of the junk, but simply worship. But friends, is it really that easy? 

My husband says to me, "Hon, you just gotta keep looking. You will find where God is calling you to be". Can I be honest? I'm tired of looking. I don't want a new church. I want my old church back. I want to worship with those I called family. I want to open my Bible in Sunday school with women who have been my friends for over twenty years. I want the hurt to disappear. But it doesn't go away. I compare every church we visit to our home church. It feels strange to still yet call it our home church. 

Wouldn't one think the pastor would call? Wouldn't one think someone inside the church would move? I feel so broken and alone. I feel like all that I have known has been turned upside down and what really kills me is that I feel like I never mattered. That isn't easy to overcome. Is it me that should move? My heart has so many questions. I remain in prayer as I wait to hear the answers. 

I am surrounded by love. I am blessed with a husband that I love more today than yesterday. My life is filled with love and laughter from my grandchildren. My children light up my life in ways that still surprise me. Friends fill my heart with inspiration and encouragement. 

To wake each morning and praise God is a gift. To soak up His Word for hours is a treasure. To seek His calling is a gift beyond all measure. I feel His love. His presence is forever near. Every day I learn something new about Him. In seeking Him with all of myself, He is sure to show me new aspects of myself that grow daily as I journey with Him. 

There are days that my heart soars to move forward and accept the new, but yet there it remains. Can I really move forward without fully letting go of the wounds that still bleed in my heart? Forgiveness is not saying that what was done or not done is okay. Can we really leave things undone? Friends, we cannot find peace with undone. 

What do I do? Do I walk back in this church after two years? If so, what is it that I should do? Do I act like nothing has happened? What can be said when one really doesn't know what happened? When a family decides to visit new churches that doesn't mean they no longer love those they have attended church with for years. Growth comes with change. Growth comes from seeking God with all of your heart. 

What hurts is that no one has come. No one is asking, "What happened?" People just assume. Stories are told, but nothing of truth is being said. Friends, why do we do this to those very people we say we love? How do we ignore those who have filled the pew next to us? How is it that we make people feel as if they never mattered at all? 

I never want to make another person feel the way my family feels today. I want to live in God's grace and mercy and love. I don't want bitterness to take root in my heart. I don't want anger to boil in my gut. It's hard to trust again. 

Those that I shared so much with. Those that I felt so near to. Those very people that stood in the love of Christ with me. Where are they? There are some. Some who stand out among the others. They love. These very people embody the love of Christ. Yes, it is these people that I want surrounding my life, so why does it hurt so terribly to have an emptiness where those who once did are now gone? Friendships have died. Ties that once were so strong are now broken. Why do we do this to those we love? Was there no real love to begin with? 

I just want to be free from the wounds that still bleed. I want to be a part of a growing church and fellowship with sisters and brothers in Christ that want to make a difference in the world. I want to share the Word of God with friends and reach the community that we call our own. 

I don't want fake. I don't gossip. I don't want to be a part of anything that isn't God. I visit churches. I have met sweet people. I have heard sermons that have stirred my heart into the motion of change. I don't want to grow stagnant. So, why can I not let go of the wounds that keep me back? Why do I even want to go back? Is the reason because I was comfortable? Because that was all I ever knew? 

Following Jesus is a journey. I can choose easy or I can choose Him. God's not in the business of pampering His children. He's in the business of perfecting them. I am learning that the journey isn't about what I want, but about what I need. Right now I need to let go and let God. It isn't easy. He is taking this mess of a heart of mine and bringing healing. Healing comes from being honest. It comes from searching for more than what we think it is we need. 

We cannot judge our God by His children. We are not the nicest of people all the time. We make mistakes. We create messes with our mouths and our attitudes. We push what's right, or what we think it right, instead of simply loving people and letting God do the rest. Peace comes when we find freedom from this world and realize that this isn't our home. Life isn't always going to make sense. God moves in those moments that makes our world spin and our heart yearn for more. 

I'm just a girl who loves Jesus. I'm an imperfect sinner saved by the sweet grace of God. I try to figure things out, but you know what? We can't always do that. Sometimes we just have to let go. We have to let the tears fall and give God room to change us. In many ways walking away from our home church was terribly difficult. But in many others it was the best thing for my walk with Him. But my heart hangs on to yesterday's memories that fill my heart. I wasn't growing any longer. My pew was much too comfortable, but yet my heart was unsteady and unsure. 

When we don't know what to do we pray. We pray until we hear from God. I am searching for ALL He has for me. I know without a doubt, He doesn't want me to lie in the wounds of others, but He wants to bring healing. It may take time, but I know I will get there and through it all He will create in me nothing less than magnificent beauty. 

"Don't worry about anything: instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." 
Philippians 4:6-7


"This is my command-be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." 
Joshua 1:9

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take." 
Proverbs 3:5-6




Comments

Tony Kiar said…
It happened to me and my family - shunning hurts . . .

When friends let you down



Proverbs 18:24 "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

There are many kinds of ruin. A common kind of ruin that occurs frequently today is disillusionment about your 'friends' and community. Sadly, there is a great deal of pretense in this world. Some of it on purpose and some of it quite unconscious. We think we know our friends only to find that we don't. A mentor of mine once said: "Tony, you think people are your friends but some will turn on you in a moment when you least expect it." He was right and it is always a hard lesson to learn.

http://walkingwithtony.blogspot.ca/2013/07/when-friends-let-you-down.html
I think many Christians feel this way. It's hard to feel like we belong if we are not the pastors who are "heading" the groups and ministries.

My heart aches for the people who need to be save but have been forsaken by the church, of all places. Like my husband, we have tried to spearhead a special needs ministry in our church- even drafting proposals and trying to be a part of the solution- and we were turned away. The other church members did not want to be around our special needs family; and the church didn't minister to families like ours. My husband's heart is very closed toward Christianity now. He needed ministering to. It's so disappointing. And yet, the church staff are still humans and sinners.

For believers like me, we don't "need" a church home to keep our walk with the Lord flourishing. But it takes a lot of effort to find fellowship. Even then, God has been faithful to me and provided me women whom I can share my Christian walk.

I hope you can trust again soon.
Jeannie Pallett said…
Robin, I have been reading your words for awhile now...and I hear your hurt and feel the wounding you speak of. You know as well as I do that there is no perfect church here on earth, especially if we are in it! I have no idea why you left your church, but I sense what you need to do is this: Just simply, stretch out your arms as far as they can go and say, Father, I choose to forgive them in the Name of Jesus. If they knew what they were doing, they wouldn't have done it, so right now, in Jesus name, I forgive and let the offense die.
Robin Prater said…
Tony, thank you for sharing your story with me. I too feel your pain. Yes, it is a deep wound. I understand on many levels. All I know to be true is that Jesus never leaves us, nor will He ever fail us. As long as I remain true to Him, He will guide me through these emotions of abandonment. I too pray you sweet blessings of peace. Wise words shared by your friend.

Meredith, I'm so sorry you have been wounded. Those are deep issues. I pray you will be able to have a ministry so you can reach out to those with children who have special needs. I am honored you would share with me. These are such important issues and as a church we need to talk about them instead of sweep them under the rug and pretend they don't exist. Blessings to you!

Jeannie, as I read your words I do so with tears streaming. Thank you! Yes, this is what I must do. I have done so, but as with any hurt, it's easy to surface again. That's my struggle. I want to forgive and move forward with an even greater love. I want to walk with outstretched arms an embrace others. Again, your words are very powerful and are spoken from the Spirit. I know this because they have moved me so. I am grateful for your honesty and encouragement. Sweet blessings to you!!
Anonymous said…
Agreed....wise words...

Popular posts from this blog

The One True Love of Alice-Ann by Eva Marie Everson

Oh, just where do I begin? This is the stuff in which great novels are made. I made my way through this richly beautiful novel turning page after page with such deep emotion and thought. I couldn't turn the pages quick enough, but I didn't want it to end to soon. It's one of those novels you could continue reading as long as there were pages. No page just made of fluff, words with no meaning on the page. Every single line in this novel created a story that will last in my heart forever. 
Ms. Everson, I am so happy stories of the war were shared with you. Oh, to have your Sunday school teacher share with you, "You can't choose who you fall in love with, but you can choose who you marry", is a blessing that has now enchanted your readers. What a story you have weaved together. History penned with such depth, detail, and a story that captures the heart. 
This lovely story begins in 1941. The war has started. Picture a family gathered around the Zenith to hear t…

The Illusionist's Apprentice by Kristy Cambron

I want to begin this review sharing two reviews I was blessed to do. The Butterfly and The Violinand A Sparrow in Terezin. For me these two novels were masterpieces. Works of such exquisite beauty. They showed that Kristy Cambron is gifted with the pen, a master storyteller. They remain two of my all-time top favorites. 
It was for this reason I was thrilled to be receiving a copy of The Illusionist's Apprentice. Once again Cambron shows us a masterpiece of bringing a story to readers that speaks of faith and our Lord. Although throughout the novel these aspects are not boldly proclaimed, but are masterfully weaved throughout the story. 
Magic and illusion are not the same. I love how she brings this truth. Love that the main character was an apprentice to the master of illusion. She takes the use of being an apprentice and walks that road with integrity and hope. When we choose to walk with Christ we are His apprentices. We are to walk as the main character, Wren Lockhart walked…

The" I Am" Makes Us Think About What "i am"

In Genesis 1:26-27 it shares something valuable to each of us about who we are in God. We are created in His image. What I love about this verse below is that is says, "make man in OUR image". What's OUR? The trinity, God, the Holy Spirit, and Christ Jesus. Ponder that. I mean really go deep. We are make in THEIR image. 
"Then God said, "Let US make man in OUR image, according to OUR likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth. So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him, male and female He created them."
We are His workmanship. He knew us before we were ever born. He weaved us together within the womb, but even before then He planned our life perfectly for us. That's so much to ponder isn't it? 
"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared…

The Glassblower by Petra Durst-Benning

I came across this selection on Amazon. I had seen so many reviews that it intrigued me. I had never read anything from this German author. The cover caught my attention as did the description of this novel. 
It's a part of a trilogy. I am getting ready to open up book 2, The American Lady. I cannot wait to begin. I tell you this book marveled me. I wasn't quite sure what to expect. What a journey into another time and place. 
We travel to Germany where this novel is set. The year is 1890 and we find ourselves in Lauscha, Germany. The author did a fantastic job at the perfect description of not only the area, but circumstance, and heart of the characters. Her writing style flows so easily that the pages almost turn themselves. 
The characters are easy to love. Three sisters who are now wondering, after their father had passed from this earth,  how they will now provide for themselves. It isn't going to be easy, but these sisters show us how to prevail over challenges that…

Unexpected Blessings

The last words my dad spoke to me from his hospital bed were, "Rob, take care of your mom." Those are words I have never forgotten. I have not only honored them for my dad, but for my mom. I too am commanded by my Father to honor my mother and father.
"Honor your father and mother so that you may have a long life in the land that the Lord your God is giving you." Exodus 20:12
My mom gave her life in caring for me. On my first birthday, my very first Christmas, was spent in the ICU as I was very sick with pneumonia. A little later I would burn myself with spilled coffee. A few years later I would tumble down many stairs and once again spent time in the hospital. 
I remember all the times I was sick and could feel my mom's hand brush against my forehead as she checked for fever. All the times she must have stayed up all night as I was sick. 
When I was little she would pour me a bowl of Raisin Bran. I loved it. Only I didn't like the raisins. She would take t…