A sweet friend shared with me that I showed an obedient heart. Although her words humbled me and brought tears. Okay, maybe everything seems to bring tears lately, but her words touched my heart. Earlier I had been asking myself, "If my heart is there why are my feet not following?" Yesterday I came home after a time out of the house. I have been home a lot lately. I love being home, but sometimes we just need to get away. For me, being in the car is a place where I turn up the radio, raise my hands in praise and sing along. I cry out to God on our country roads and let the tears spill while no one is around to see me at my weakest. I am that girl who places a smile on my face and says, "Sure, I am doing great!" When in fact, I am falling to pieces. I love encouraging others, but sometimes this girl has trouble encouraging herself.
So, as I entered home, I walked through the door of a house I left clean. That is not what I saw. I saw a messy kitchen, boots everywhere and messes I knew I now had to clean up. It was like the day just hit me and I didn't want to take part. Why? My son had worked all day at his new job. My husband had cooked dinner for him. I walk in and ruin the whole evening in just a few minutes with my anger. I should have walked in with a smile and a thankful heart, but that was not the case.
I had to ask myself, "Why am I acting like this?" This isn't me, really. I laugh and have a smile all the time. (Well, we already talked about that smile thing.) My heart is with the Lord. I pray and cry out to Him. I mean I really cry out to Him, but my feet are walking in a different direction. My flesh is weak and I hate that feeling. I wish I could be that girl who could just smile through our struggles, but I cannot. This is a lonely place to be. It seems as though we are here by ourselves. I mean really, two years without a job? Two? It is taking it's toll on our family. My husband is quiet and feels at times he wants to give up. I try to encourage him. (Remember, I am Ms. Encouragement.) But it's hard when I don't know what to say anymore. I keep saying, "God has that perfect job for you. It will all be okay. The Lord will provide for us. We don't need lots of money to have joy." Oh, I have every encouraging word memorized, but sometimes those words feel empty. That job hasn't come. We have watched people lie and want my husband to lie in return. I am so thankful I have a husband who will not lie and will take a stand for his faith.
I just want to scream sometimes. I want to shout and ask God, "Why? What are we to do now?" There is not a lot of encouragement around us. I wish I could say my husband had many around him encouraging him through this hard struggle in his life, but he doesn't. I think that for one makes it harder. You grow angry. You begin to lose hope. You begin to have this attitude of , "Why try anymore?" If you have not walked in these shoes you have no idea. It's easy to give those words of encouragement, but you must have action to back it up. Words are empty without showing your heart. So, where is my heart? I know my heart is with the Lord. I have faith. I want to believe. I want to have hope.
Some might say, "Well you do have blessings. Your daughter just married and you have a new granddaughter." Yes, we see those blessings. I am thankful for each gift of the Lord. We see each and every blessing. Our struggle right now is huge. It effects how we are being with one another. I think that is what happened to me yesterday. I went out for a bit and came home, back home where the struggles are real and present. I think it just hits us sometimes and we don't know what to do with that anger and unrest in our hearts. I wish I could just take it all in and know without a doubt everything is going to be okay. I don't know that.
I know all the scripture. I know those verses of strength and hope. We have been through some humdingers of struggles. This is what do know. I know we have made it through each one. I know the Lord brought us through with more blessings and changed lives. I know each one although unwanted brought new life into our lives. But after a while you just begin to slow down. You begin to break down and question everything. There are struggles of all kinds. We each battle our own flesh. We battle this world and sometimes we are our own worst battle of all. Sometimes getting past ourselves is the battle we spend the most time in. I think that is where I am today my friends.
I am battling myself and my fears. I am scared. I am tired. There is no way around that. I would ask for your prayers. As I seek the Lord I pray He shows Himself to me. I want my heart to be in line with His and I want my steps to follow my heart. There is so much going on our lives right now. So many different areas of change and unknown. It is not easy for our feet to always follow the steps of Christ, the steps of our faith. But the Lord knows my heart. He knows my battles inside and only He can set me free. Only He can fill me and chase those fears away.
Wherever you are today, it's okay to feel what you are feeling. God knows your circumstances and He too knows your heart. As Christians we have this perspective we should be perfect and show a great and mighty faith every minute of our lives. God doesn't need me to be perfect to shine through my life. He needs me to be real and honest. He needs us to show our heart and struggles. As we walk this journey, although not an easy one and it's pretty scary along the way in my heart of hearts I do know everything will work out according to His will in my life. Don't be afraid to be you my friends. If we were all more real people would see a greater glimpse of just who Jesus Christ is!!
