Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I can always find Him

Yesterday was one of those days where I could feel the pain deep in my bones. Everything hurt, from my neck to my toes. I found myself in bed all day, and let me tell you there is nothing on afternoon television!


The more I tried to do, the more it hurt. I looked around at the the things that needed to be done and knew this body was not getting it done today. That is something I have had to learn with fibromyalgia. I have learned to let things go and know that it doesn't have to be done right then.


As a friend called and wanted me to come down and give her a hair cut, I tried to lift myself up and move ahead, but I couldn't. It killed me to call my friend back and let her know maybe tomorrow. That too is something I have had to learn, saying no. For this yes girl, this disease has showed me how to say no and how to slow down.


The thing I find is that most people don't understand. Most think your pain is in your head or that all you need is an aspirin and it will go away. I know those who think,"If you just suck it up and try harder it will be okay". You have those who think you are lazy, or maybe if you had a job it would motivate you. To these people I just want to scream.


I am here to tell you my pain tolerance is high, and my pain is not in my head and there is no aspirin going to take it away. In fact, not being able to have a job, not being able to go like you use to, brings on such pain in your heart. When you cannot move your fingers, when you cannot bend over to pick up something you just dropped, when you feel every muscle and bone in your body ache so much that you just need a hug, but can't receive one from your husband because it hurts too much breaks your heart deep inside almost more than the pain you are bearing. I know at our church we have meet and great each Sunday morning. I no longer make my way to the back hugging people. I no longer go shaking the hands of new members. I stay next to my husband in fear that someone is going to hug too tight or take my hand in greeting, only to make me cringe.


I have friends with small children, friends who must work, only to go home and cry because the pain is so horrendous. I am not sure what I would have done if this would have hit me when my children were young. It is heartbreaking to know the pain of another and wish you could help in some way and cannot because you yourself are not sure how you make it through.


I told my husband yesterday my shoulder bones felt as though they wanted to push through, that my back felt like it was coming apart and each joint wanted to explode. My body felt like the new movie coming out, "Legend", where the guy has like seven fingers crawling out of his hand and his body is morphed in a new image.


You may be asking yourself, "Why is she sharing such pain?" I am sharing because its real and there are so many out there who feel like they are alone. So many who keep their pain as a secret, bearing such pain deep within their heart. But they want to share, they want to reach out, but they fear what others will say. I know that pain with them. When others ask you how you feel and you just smile and say, "Fine". You don't want to admit you are hurting even though your pain is so strong. We don't want to think of ourselves as weak, we want to do the things we once did. We want to prove we can do it.


On those days when I wake and the pain is less or maybe even no pain at all, I just want to jump for joy. I want to run through the house, I want to go out and smile. On those days when my husband can hold my hand without me wincing, when I can joke around with my son without fear, when I can take Daisy on a long walk, are the days I find special and so sweet. It is those sweet moments we want to experience daily.


You know when the weather is changing, you know when the rain is coming and when its cold you feel it through your bones. For this girl who loves the winter it makes it hard, so as I am loving the beautiful snow, my body is aching for the sunshine. You could easily have a job as the weather man on your local news channel.


This disease may try to break me, it may keep my body down and from doing all I want, but I refuse to let it take my spirit and the joy in my heart. I cannot imagine waking each day with Jesus right there with me. To have Him there as I call out to Him at night when the pain is keeping me from sleep is a reassurance that I know everything is going to be okay. His love gives me hope, and His strength gets me through each day. Even in the midst of a painful day I can find His blessings. I know the Lord will carry me on those days I cannot make it, and He will walk with me on those that I am traveling slowly. He is my Everything in the midst of all I face. I know in my moment of weakness He is my strength. He is my Shelter through the storms and He is my Light in the dark.


With this disease you take each day as they come. You learn that disease does not define you, the way you live life defines you. You learn that you are not a failure, you are quite a success. You learn that your family loves you through anything, and you gain strength just by being with them. You learn you overcome not by your own strength but by God moving in you.


I am blessed with an amazing family who sees my struggles and they lift me up with their love and support. I have a husband who makes me feel special and puts laughter in my heart, and a son who helps his momma in every way I need.


Today as I wake my pain is still there, still bearing down on me, but the sun is shining, the music is playing, Daisy is on my lap(who always seems to know when I am hurting the most), and I know without a doubt whatever comes today I can face it knowing Christ is with me, and that is enough.


Thank You Jesus for showing Yourself to me. Thank You for being there when I call out to You. I praise You for Your strength and Your mercy. There is no one like You.


Psalm 46:1-5 "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, even though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; though its waters roar and be troubled, through the mountains shake with its swelling. There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High. God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God shall help her, just at the break of dawn."


Don't allow you pain to overtake you. Cry out to the God of heaven. Call upon His name and He will never leave you, and He will bring you through the valley and show the mountain with His love!
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