Saturday, January 2, 2010

what do you mean no smile?

I am one who hides my feelings and pain. I try to put on a smile for everyone, but what I am learning is, I don't have to pretend, I can just be me, and if I things are hard, I can just be me and say, "Today really stinks". The amazing thing is, God is okay with that. He doesn't want me to pretend , He wants me to be real and be me. Its when we are real that He is shining through. He already knows my pain, He knows my circumstances, so why do I feel I need to put on a show for others? To put on a fake smile? Life right now in our home just stinks! There is no other way to say that. No job hurts, bills piling up hurts, not knowing hurts. Migraines suck, and pain from fibromyalgia gets me down, but I do not have to pretend anymore. When I am honest, when I am showing my real feelings, it is not saying I don't have faith, it is not saying I don't believe, if anything, it is saying I have faith, and I do believe, because its when we are hurting, when things are scary that we call upon Jesus, and He always shows up. I many not know how our bills will get paid this month, or if I will feel great tomorrow, but I know that through these trials, Jesus is there, and He is teaching me to just be real. Having faith is believing in the unseen, so when I cannot see what tomorrow is bringing in, when I don't have a quick answer, and when my heart is full of questions as to why all this is happening, my faith is growing, I am sharing with Jesus, and I am walking every step with Him. If everything was a yes answer, if everything was all bright and shiny in my life, if everything was going according to my plan, would I really need Jesus? Would I be looking for Him? It is in these times of struggle, in these times of pain that He shows Himself. I can have peace knowing He is there and things may just not turn out as I want them, but no matter what happens He is taking every step with me. I may have a migraine for a few weeks, I may pray it is gone, for whatever reason it stays, I haven't lost faith, it is strengthened because I know Jesus is right there with me through my pain. I know that He is walking each step with us as my husband continues to look for work. I don't have to be the life of the party, I don't have to tell others, "Oh, we are doing great, I know something is gonna turn up soon!" Well, I have learned, it just might not turn out as I want or intend it to, and with His peace, I am learning that it is okay. Its okay to cry, its okay to get angry, its okay to ask, "Why"? He isn't going to leave me, but He is going to cling to me. So for me, its time to be honest, its time to be real and share the truth in my heart. I don't have to smile when things are hard, I just have to keep focused on Him and in my pain with His peace, He will place a smile in my heart with His love~
2 Timothy 2:3 "You therefore must endure hardship as a good soldier of Jesus Christ."
Psalm 31:24 "Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord."
Through the trials in life, through the heartache and times of distress is when God is molding us, He is creating us to be the person He wants us to be. Just because I walk as a Christian does not mean things will always be happy, it doesn't mean that my circumstances will always bring a smile to my face. I may not find the answers I am looking for until the other side of heaven, but it is in that, heaven that I can find real peace through all things.
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