Tuesday, January 26, 2010

if 40 is the new 20 why do I feel 60?

Wow, what a statement! If 40 is the new 20 why do I feel 60? I have to say I love my 40's much more than my 20's, I would just like to have the energy I had then. I see friends who are my age now and they are raising their children with such energy and gusto, and I find myself thinking, "How are they doing all that?" But then I face reality and know that I already have. After raising five children, coming and going, I think it just might be time for my body to settle down. I seem to watch people now and admire their strength and energy, when mine seems to fade within each day. I can see all the tasks at hand I need to accomplish, then after looking, I am exhausted just thinking about what I must do. It isn't laziness, it is the fibromalgia effecting my body. I find myself sleeping a lot less. Up at night tossing and turning. Although my body is so tired, it just doesn't want to lay there, it wants to get up and go for a run. As I wake in the mornings, I wake early just so I can get out of bed on time. At times it may take me over an hour to be able to move enough to get up and slowly start my day. When I do find those days where my pain is less, I feel blessed beyond words, so I take off and do all the things I hadn't done in the past few days, only to find myself moving like a sloth. I have to say it hard when friends call and ask you to go shopping, to go movies and you find yourself saying no, not because you don't want to, but simply because you are to tired. The zoo and art museum are both favorites for me to visit. I could walk those places all day and still have energy to burn, now, well, I see those benches and find myself taking a seat. A few years ago our church group took our teens to teen conference. We ended up visiting the City Museum in St. Louis,(which is a really amazing place). As the kids all took off on their adventure, my friends were also excited to see all. I was pretty excited to check out all the cool things too, but I found myself as they were saying, "Come on, lets go upstairs!", thinking I am not going to make it up these stairs, and I didn't. I found myself really sitting on a bench with my crochet needle and yarn, wishing I could keep up to experience what the others were doing. Although I love the Winter, the cold makes the pain at times to deep to endure. When Summer hits I love to lay in the sun, not just to get a tan, but to feel the warmth of the sun move through my body. Please, do not misunderstand me. I am not having a pity party, I know how blessed I am, I am just simply sharing so you too know that your not alone. Too many times we think we are the only going through something. We find ourselves not sharing with others, because who wants to hear about how we really feel. But I have found many great groups who share with one another, who give ideas, advice and are there just to listen. When we surround ourselves with those groups we can find a new strength, not just to make it through each day, but to live each day. To live whether we are in bed in our Jammies moving slowly, or at work struggling through. For me I am blessed to not have to work outside my home. Being disabled is not something I take pride in, but then again, with fibromyalgia your pride soon goes out the window and your humbleness grows. We have a church league for softball. I have loved, and played softball since I was a little girl. On our church league, I still play, at least as of last year I did. I haven't shared with anyone, until now. As I would go out on the field and play, I would feel like a kid again. Loving the feeling of being with others who love to play also. But as the game was over, I would ease my way into my car, only for the tears to begin falling soon. The pain would be so bad I would have to take meds before I reached home. Once home, I would often fall apart as the pain just kept setting in. But me, I would leave that game with a smile on my face, and show up at the next one smiling just as big. When we are hurting we often just keep it inside, but what if we all began to share the truth of things? If we did, others would see our pain and know they were not alone. Now, back to that 20,40,6o thing. We can't have everything as it once was. Gosh, if I could pick and chose a few from each age, now that would be something. I would choose my energy from 20, my vision at 40, and have the wisdom that comes with 60. At each age, there are blessings and struggles, but we make it through, we make it through stronger and wiser. With each day of the illness' I have, I learn something new. I try to challenge myself to grow even though my body feels as though it is moving backwards. Even when we take three steps forward, and two steps back, we are still making progress with one step at a time. At times I feel like there is a mountain in front of me daily, and I will never make it over. But with the grace of God, with His strength I know I don't have to face that mountain climb alone. He is there to lead me, over and across each path in my life. This one just happens to be another stepping stone moving closer to Him.
Psalm 125:1-2 "Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever. As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds His people both now and forevermore."
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