Thursday, November 25, 2010
Just gotta be real, right?
Yesterday was one of those days. It was as though all the weight just came crashing down like an avalanche. You find yourself under all the weight of the stress and you feel as though you can't breathe. Your trying your best to dig yourself out, but the more you move, the deeper you go under. Been there?
As bills keep coming in you look at them and wonder, "Okay, Lord, You are gonna have to do something big!" You sit in the silence of your worry and you wait. Nothing seems to happen. My husband and I had words yesterday. Not just words, but those words that once they are out there in the open, it's like air to fire. They just burst out and burn everything in sight. You are left there in the destruction looking around in wonder at how it all began. I said words yesterday I have not said in years. I shouted. I screamed. It was like a monster being unleashed. The tears just seemed to fall and then all is quiet in the night. You are left wondering what morning will bring.
As morning came, my husband looks at me with love in his eyes and says, "Good morning." It was as though the storm had passed. Oh, the clouds are still over head and you know the thunder is just one heartbeat away, but all is quiet and peaceful for now. As I was cooking our Thanksgiving dinner our wood furnace goes out. I hear my husband stirring and say, "I don't know how much more I can take." I think the storm is coming. The rain is falling and all I want is to see the sunshine. Even a rainbow would be nice. As he begins to tackle our furnace inside we are in wonder if it is going to take off. Within an hour our home was warm, our dinner was on the table and my son was praying.
Sometimes as much as we try we fall. Sometimes the stess just builds up and it has to escape. I am so sorry for the words I said yesterday. I hate the fact that this job loss is taking a toll on my family. But if anything good can come from this, it is the simple fact I am thankful for what we do have. So much of my life I spent thinking about my wants when all I needed was right in front of me.
See, it's not about black Friday and all the holiday parties. It is simply being loved. Finding peace. Knowing what real contentment is. And finding yourself under the grace of God. I know Thanksgiving is a holiday for America, but it should celebrated around the world each day. We forget to give thanks. We simply take what we have for granite and no matter what we have we always want more. All I want now is to simply have my family taken care of. I want my husband to have a job. God is doing a work in me and my family. It is not easy going through change. I think of the stages of a butterfly. Only God could wrap something so beautiful and give it wings to fly. But, it is a process. I am not giving up, just having a hard time. Trying to see with my eyes instead of allowing the Lord to show me all I am to see. It's hard to stay focused. Oh, sure, it's easy when all is going great. But, when things get hard we can become too focused on our circumstances and totally miss out on all He is trying to show us and teach us.
Hebrews 13:5-6 "Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For His Himself said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' So we may boldly say: The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?"
James 1:2-8 "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. but let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double minded man, unstable in all his ways."
Philippians 4:19 "And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
Lord, I need your strength. I need your wisdom to light the way. I need Your forgiveness to wash over me. I know I have many needs, but I too know that You will meet each one according your purpose for my life. May I not be tempted by doubt, but be filled with encouragement in Your word. Remove all anger and doubt in my mind and fill my heart with a new faith. Create in me a woman who can stand before You one day and hear the words, "Well done, My good and faithful daughter."