As I write about my father's death there is just so much more to say. There is much more to share. As I opened my heart and shared with you I carried anger for years. I must tell you it was the grace of God that took that anger and turned it into peace. It was His comfort that healed this girl's hurting heart. There is not a day that goes by still today that I do not think about my dad, but in these days my heart is not broken any longer. It is filled with new blessings of hope. Each day the Lord shines His love upon me. That empty feeling I carried for years is now filled with a husband who lights my day with laughter and children who warm me with smiles. Friends who share in this journey along with me and renewed family that has been lost but are now found in a closer relationship than ever before. The Lord continues to bless through everything.
To recover from loss is not easy. There is no time line for healing. For me healing came by letting go of the anger and bitterness and picking up the Lord's love and forgiveness. His grace seems to cover all. The more I learned about Christ and the more I grew with Him the more I was able to release of my past to make room for my new future with Him.
Just as the leaves in the Autumn fall, leaving the trees bare, that is how I felt after losing my dad. But Spring gives life again to those trees and they begin to bud again, bringing new life where life was not dead, but lying dormant for a time. Healing takes time.
Still today, all it takes is a smell. A man who looks like my dad to make me turn my head. Just a breeze can blow by or a rustle of noise to make me listen a little closer. But, I no longer take these moments as pain, but smiles from heaven. It is like a little glimmer of sunshine, filling my heart with a moment in time that is no longer here, but I can be taken back in just a moments flair for a time bringing a tug of love to my heart once again.
Pain is not forever. I know I can never go back. I know time cannot change, but in today, this day, I can make a beautiful statement as my feet walk and my mouth moves to bring joy to this old earth and the people of it. This is not my home. I am on my way to a place much greater than this. I know my dad will be there, along with many others.
I was wrong to think that hospital floor contained to hope. There is always hope. Hope for today and tomorrow. As long as we have Jesus Christ alive in our hearts we have nothing to fear about death. It is just one more stop before we reach heaven. And isn't that our destination? My dad just happened to reach heaven's doors before me. I now can think upon that and smile. He is not hurting any longer.
There is no sickness to overtake him. Only peace and joy.
This girl turned out okay. The pain I thought would last forever subsided as more beauty entered my life. Life is hard at times. There are times we have no idea why such pain has to happen, but I promise, God has a plan and purpose. He can use the worse of our pain and weakness to show His mighty strength and healing. He did a work in my heart and I know He too can do one in yours. He is the God of miracles. He did bring healing to my dad, just not the kind I was hoping for, but He had a better plan for healing than me. Through my dad's death my life changed forever. Through his sickness is taught this girl compassion and what mercy is all about. God restored my heart. He gave me life that I didn't know existed.
Through my dad's death, through having to move and just life, I ended up moving to an area and meeting the man of my dreams. The man that would one day teach me about Jesus. The Savior my father knew before he passed from this life to the next. My vision is so short sighted, but God sees the distance. He sees beyond what I am uncapable of seeing.
I now know I don't have to be strong. I can find my strength in the God above. I don't have to hide my tears. I can let them flow and be honest and real. God healed my broken heart. With my dad that was a broken road I wish I didn't have to walk, but I did. I made it and all that praise goes to the God of heaven for all the love He placed in my heart.
Pain comes in all shapes and sizes. It comes all through our lives. It is something we just don't welcome with open arms. But it is through all the brokenness in my life that God has brought me closer to Him. I have become this humble girl who knows my life is all because of Him.
When my heart is hurting I know just where to turn. I crawl up in the lap of Jesus and stay there until I am refreshed and ready to move forward. If you are hurting, know that your pain is real and the Lord sees your tears and feels your confusion. It is through Jesus you can find peace. You can find the road the healing. He will take you through the valley and set you atop the mountain. One day you will be able to look back and see He was there with you all along, wiping your tears and holding your hand. Each day is a day we move closer to healing with the presence of God. It may seem as though we are moving slow, but if we are moving toward Christ then we are headed in the right direction.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."
Psalms 27:14 "Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!"
Psalms 18:1-2 "I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."
Romans 5:3-5 "And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now, hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
Romans 8:24-27 "For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees" But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance. Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession fo rus with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the herats knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God."
