As of late I have found myself angry. Angry at what? Just plain old angry. Anger hides itself deep within us, deep within me, and this past week it has just burst out. I go along and think things are getting better, improving and what happens? My mom gets ill, Steve losses his job, his dad becomes ill, and a migraine is still here after thirteen days now. It's really more things too, things that just seem to pile up on us. You see those bills that need paid. You wonder why others lie, cheat and steal. I wonder why my husband cannot have the job he was promised. I lose myself in trying to find my way through this new mom I have. This new mom who doesn't remember well. This new mom who says mean things.
I know there are things I cannot change, and maybe that's why I am mad. I can't control the circumstances facing us. I cannot control this migraine. I cannot see my mom to healing today. I cannot make my father in law better today. I cannot send my husband out the door with a job. You know what? I think at times I am resentful, and I don't even understand why.
I would love to go to school. I would love to work. I would love to help provide for my family. I didn't go to school earlier because I chose to raise my children and stay home, teaching them. I thought once they are all grown, then it will be my turn. Well, now with my mother ill, I must be able to be here to care for her. If I go to school or work I cannot do that. I feel as though I have sacrificed much. And I find myself wondering,"When is it my turn?"
In all that anger there is selfishness. There is a girl who is still trying hold on to the control of life. Now, don't miss understand me. I see my blessings right in front of me. I see my daughter walking down the aisle within a few days. I see my oldest daughter bringing a child into this world soon. I see my son going into the Navy. I see my husband loving me each day and taking my hand through all this unknown. I see the Lord all around me. I see His provision and His love. But there is so much I don't understand. There is so much that breaks my heart. I see other's struggling. I see others in pain. I see others hurting in more ways than I can even fathom. I have friends who are fighting for their lives. I see others looking for jobs and coming up with a loss. I look at this world and wonder, "What is going on today?"
I want my husband to have that perfect job. I want him to find that job he loves and one that is lasting. I want him to be successful in whatever the Lord has for him. I want my relationship with my children to grow and I want to see them soar for Jesus. I want my mom back. I want normal! I want my health back. I want my migraines and Fibromyalgia gone for good! I don't want to see others hurt and struggle. I don't want to feel anger. I don't want to feel resentment over what I am not able to do, but take joy in what I can do. I don't want to be selfish. I want to serve and give. But this anger just keeps coming.
So I find myself asking God, "What have I done? Where do I go? Where are You? What must I do?" Have you ever been there with me? When things are going wonderful I never seem to ask God where He is. When the sun is shining I am not feeling angry. When all is going my way I am safe and secure. It's when things don't go my way that I am lost. Lost in pity. Lost in selfishness. Lost in wonder. Lost in all those emotions that take over and I just want to scream, "WHY?"
I find myself wondering, "Did I do something to cause this? Is God trying to teach me? Is He angry at me?" But then I hear Him. I hear Him tell me He loves me. I hear Him say, "I am here daughter." I turn away from me, the one who I seem to think has caused these circumstances in some way and reach for Him. It is then on my knees that I find redemption. It is there that I find the grace and mercy I do not deserve. It is there I find that my circumstances do not define me or my family. In letting go of my anger I see Jesus on the cross and I can only stop in awe and wonder at why He would give so much for me. He gave because He loves me. He really loves me.
He is in our home, our hearts, and surrounding us daily. He is here washing us in His love. I don't understand everything that touches us. I cannot even count back at how many years just seem like it has been struggle after struggle. But as I look back I cannot help but see how He has given us strength to endure and overcome each obstacle that has come our way. He hasn't left us, nor has He forgotten us. When I am in pain He is there motivating me through. In my deepest hurt with my mom, He is there on the other side of her words reminding me, "Love her. Simply love her." It is hard to watch your mother become someone you don't know.
Somewhere in all this I know the Lord is molding me, and teaching me. He is piecing together this girl who is broken. He is giving life to this girl who is searching for Him and His will. In my darkest days He is there casting a light for me to see. Even if it is just a glimmer, I can see it. As He reaches down to bring comfort to me I willingly take His hand and I can feel His touch.
I am a girl after God's own heart, but for me, each day is a struggle, and sometimes it is a mighty one. I fight my fleshly anger. I know if I lay it all down the Lord can take it and change it. Sometimes He chooses not to change the circumstances, but to change me through them. Sometimes there are those things I just have to accept. I am not perfect and this life is not perfect. If anything I am learning just to soak in each moment of beauty around me. To express my love for Him and to love those around me. I am learning my life is not my own. I must surrender everything I am and everything I have in order for the Lord to use me for His glory. In my surrendering, He comes in and covers me with His love. In surrendering I am giving Him my trust and faith. I must believe even when I cannot understand. I must have faith even when things just don't make sense.
Life must be a choice. I can choose anger or I can choose love. I can choose selfishness or I can choose to allow the Lord to be Lord of my life, the life He gave me at the cost of His life.
So, today I am laying my anger down, and picking up His redemption. I am laying down yesterday, and choosing to have faith in tomorrow. I am laying down my anger so that I can enjoy today. In today I can find the freedom in Christ who gives me strength!
I know there will be more struggles to come as I let these go. I know each day will continue to be a battle of some kind, but I know without a doubt that I can find Christ's hand upon me through it all.
Lord meet me where I am today. Meet me in my anger and selfishness and remove it. Take it along with the rest of my sin. Redeem me today. Renew me today. Refresh my life with a new purpose and plan. Wash me today in Your love. Father show me the way. Lead me through this fog, through this desert and set me in Your beautiful land that I will not hunger for more, but be content. I cannot go this alone, please walk this road with me, and show me through each step there is a stone for me to step on. I know even though I cannot see tomorrow You can. You know what is up ahead. You are already there. Help me to hold on, and run this race with an endurance that can only come from You.
Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."
Philippians 4:6-7 "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."