Saturday, July 31, 2010

Waiting for Morning

This morning as I drove to my mom's house this song came on and I just felt the Lord wash over me. I felt His assurance and promise. I do feel as though I am in a tunnel. Tears just flow so easily as I write. I feel as though this tunnel is closing in on me. Sleep? It doesn't come. When I do have a chance for sleep, the stress overtakes my mind. I am so very tired and restless.

My mom is sleeping as I write this on Friday. Either I give her all these medications or she is in severe pain. So what do you do? Do you give her relief or do you watch as her mind escapes?

I have helped care for my mom for years now, but never anything like this. I would do her laundry, shopping and some cleaning. This journey is all new. Shingles has changed her life. My whole family is trying to adjust to these changes, but it is anything but easy. We are praying for light at the end of this tunnel.

Yesterday I gave my mom a bath. I think this was not only humbling for my mom, but for me as well. I don't think she even realizes what is happening. She just knows family is taking care of her.

She has had changes also in her mood. As she hallucinates, she can yell at me. Say mean things and it breaks my heart. I know this is not really her speaking, but the medication through her. But it still hurts. I still cry. Her confusion is breaking my heart.

Today we will go to the doctor with the help of my son, Jake. My daughter, Whitney will do some shopping for us. I pray he has some answers. I pray he can help her. I hate seeing my mom in this way. As our parents age, what else are we to do but care for them?

Nursing home? That is not even an option at this point. I made a promise to my dad before he died. He asked me to promise to care for my mom and I intend to keep that promise. I do this not only for him, but for my mom. The mom who never stops giving.

I long to see her smile. Have a moment of clarity. To be pain free. I dream of just going shopping with her for an afternoon or out to lunch.

In these moments I think I can't do anymore I call my husband or daughter. I give my son a call just to hear his voice. They seem to always know exactly what to say to lift me up and give me encouragement to make it through another hour.

As a storm takes over the sky today and the rains fall, it is just another reminder that later today the rains will end and the sun will shine once again. God's promises are true and steadfast. He controls the storms in the air just as He does those storms in our lives.

I set this song as my ring tone today. So now every time it rings I can hear, "There is light at the end of the tunnel for you!" I may feel like I have to squint to see it now or that it's far away, but I know it is there and in sight.

Dear friend, I don't know where you are today. You may be taking care of your parents, your children. You may have a totally different circumstance. A storm of your own. Know that you are not alone. Surround yourself with music that is uplifting. Get in God's word and allow Him to wash His healing words over you. Reach out to others for encouragement. We were never meant to carry these loads alone. Stay on your knees until you have the strength to get back up. Reach for Christ and He will hold you up. How do I know? It's the only way I am making it each day. Focus on the light. Focus on the beauty and see your service as love. See your love as honor. And see your honor as character. You are a child of the King. He is bigger than any Goliath we will face today. Hold that Rock within your hand with the confidence of knowing God is there. Feel His strength and courage fill you today.

Philippians 4:13 "For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."

Romans 5:3-5 "We can rejoice, too, when we fall into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation, and this hope will not disappoint. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with love."

Psalm 91:1-2 "Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; He is my God, and I trust in Him."
Psalm 85:6-7 "Listen closely to my prayer, O Lord; Hear my urgent cry. I will call to You whenever I'm in trouble, and You will answer me."

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