Last night was one of those never ending nights. It seemed morning would never come. Needless to say, no sleep. There are those moments you get to close your eyes, but you are just waiting to get up once more.
I have never seen my mother suffer so badly. The pain seems to overtake her body and the medications are overtaking her mind. Last night I had to take one pain medication away. The side effects were devastating for her. It's so heart breaking to watch your mother just seem to grow smaller and further away. There are those moments of clarity, but others she doesn't even know the day.
Heart medications, nerve medications, pain, eye, the list goes on and on. Shingles is one of those illness' that is so very painful. Nothing can take the pain totally away. I write, I keep track of her medications throughout the day and night.
When she is sleeping I find myself beside her bed watching her chest rise and fall. It takes me back to my dad's hospital room, and that is not a place I want to be. I just keep praying for one more breath and hoping the next one will be even stronger.
When we are going through a trial we always think it is the hardest of all and that we won't make it through. This is by far the hardest trial yet. I am exhausted. This has been a life changing week for me and I am afraid it is a road that will take a while. Although the journey is a long one, we are not making it without the Lord. He is right there every inch of the way.
I am praying for this storm to pass. The rains will stop and a new day will dawn. I feel myself growing tired and weak. I just want to close my eyes for a bit, knowing she is okay.
Still fighting those demons of selfishness. Still thinking about all I must do. All I enjoy doing. I miss my husband. I miss my son and I miss Daisy snuggled up next to me. I just miss home.
But then I hear the Lord again, "Your life is not your own." I must put everything else on hold and care for my mom who is having the hardest time of all. She is a fighter. She is strong. I pray that sparkle of joy returns to her eye. I can't wait for her to be able to enjoy her morning coffee while she watches the news. And if you know my mother, well, she never misses the news or her soap operas.
I know the Lord is doing a powerful work in me. He is teaching me to die to self. For the first time in my life I understand that meaning clearly. I see the impact and the power of letting go of my flesh and allowing God to totally use me for His glory and honor. I need to be that willing vessel always, not just when I want to be. Not just when it's easy and not just when it's fun.
Yesterday my husband brought me a gift. I first books!! Yay for me. But it was something much better. It turns out my cousin sent me an Irish cross. It came at just the right time. Another reminder of the Lord showing me He was here. It's encouraging to have such great family. Family who loves me and is willing to go the extra mile to encourage me through this. My husband calls me about every hour checking on my mom and me. He is worried, but I know his faith is strong. My son stops in just to say hello, but he cannot stay all night. My mother is hallucinating and it is just too much for his young heart to take. My Pastor leaves me an encouraging message of hope to carry with me. Our Youth Pastor calls with an encouraging prayer. Knowing you have those who really care, those who are reaching out means the world when you are going through a difficult time. Whenever I wonder where the Lord is, I can just look around and see Him through all those encouraging me and my family. Whenever I need strength I think of the words of Jeremy Camp's song, "I Still Believe." The Lord is mighty. He is strong. He is compassionate, and I know my mom is in His hands. He is watching. He is her strength and in that I still believe. Hope is the light that keeps me going even throughout the night.
Psalm 118:1 "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! His faithful love endures forever."
Psalm 116:1-2 "I love the Lord because He hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because He bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath."
If I am to take and hold all the good days He gives, should the bad be any less of value? Each day, good or bad, the Lord has in His hands. Trust in Him. Believe in Him. Know that He is God, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
1 Corinthians 13:7 "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."