As I sit here in this dark hospital room, looking out the window, watching the traffic go by, I wonder if she will ever leave this room. Tears fall as I am tired and weary. It breaks my heart to see my mother hurt so badly. She suffers through the night, moaning in pain and crying out as these shingles overtake her body.
I now know why I am not a nurse. The nurse I dreamed of being. My heart aches for those lining this hallway in rooms hurting and searching for healing. Some are crying out as other are silently hurting, holding it all in, suffering in silence, with no one present to hold their hand. My mother has me here with her, but I often wonder if I really am any help at all as I am falling apart inside.
I must be honest, as I wonder where God is in all this. Where is He when I am crying out for healing for my mom? Where is He is in her deepest pain and unsureness of tomorrow? I sit here looking out as the world continues on. Does anyone care? Does anyone know? It kills me to see my mom shrinking in this bed as pain medications drown out the present as she falls off into a rest finally. Finally she is getting rest after being awake for days, suffering inside.
But then I see Him. I see Him in the soft whisper of those comforting my mom. I see Him in the nurses who walk these halls, going from room to room. I see Him in the doctors who sit by her side trying to figure out ways to bring healing and relief. I see Him in my daughters. Daughters who love their grandmother and want to help. I see Him in my husband who drops everything to come. I see Him in that lovely worker who stops to ask, "Are you okay honey?" She reaches out to give me a drink, and hugs away my tears. I see Him in the scripture verses that line the hallways and in the small chapel where you can kneel to pray. I see Him all around me. He is here. We are not alone. In the silence of the night I can hear His whisper telling me, "I am here daughter".
Finally as my mother closes her eyes to rest for the first time in days as her eyes slowly close, sleep finally comes. I am finally able to rest also for short periods of time. But I find myself watching her. Praying over her. And I can see God's presence in all this.
My mother calls out my name in the night making sure I am there, as I call out for Jesus, making sure He is here. We each here a whisper of, "Yes, I am here". I am honored to sit beside her bed for however long it must be.
Sleep is calling me, but I cannot find it. Instead I lay here silently praying in the dark to a God who I know is right here.
We often wonder if God is in all around us, in this crazy world we live in. We try to seek Him and ask why. We cannot understand. I cannot understand, but I do not have to. My faith is enough. My hope in Him is enough. His love is sufficient for me. It must be. It has to be. Christ knows this pain. He too carried pain. His pain held out hope for us. It brought us hope for today and faith for tomorrow.
As my mother traveled by ambulance from one hospital with no relief, I began to wonder. But as an ambulance carried her to another hospital, the Lord knew exactly where she needed to be. He placed her in hands of healing and of a loving spirit. He placed kindness all around her. He surrounded her with grace and mercy. Her pain is now slowing. Healing is coming. I must believe God has a plan through all this. I must believe there are blessings beyond this storm.
This is to be Encouragement Tuesday. I hope you are not wondering, "where is the encouragement Robin?" It is here, within this pain, within the unknown, within my words. I pray you walk away knowing I made through each night turning to a God who knew my thoughts and prayers. I laid my mother at His feet in prayer and in faith, knowing He was her healer. However long the night we can make it to morning with the Lord. In seeking. In asking and wondering, we can find Him. He shows Himself through others and in deep within our hearts in prayer. He calms us. He comforts us. He lifts us up and gives strength where we have none.
Colossians 3:2 "Set your minds on things above, not on things on the earth."
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Philippians 4:19 "And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:6-7 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
2 Corinthians 12:9a "And He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness."
Romans 5:3-5 "And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."