Saturday, September 12, 2009

so much

Today Lord I turn my eyes to you Father, I turn them to you for understanding and wisdom. There is so much I do not understand. There is so much healing in my heart that I need still today, and I wonder why my prayers seem as though they are lost and forgotten. One of things that hurts most in life is when your family is lost and not getting along when you were so close before. Things happen and you wonder how did it come to this, how did it go so far? I have to remind myself daily that the Lord is here, He hasn't moved away from me. As for my prayers, I know they are being answered, I know God hears my cry in the night. I know He answers according to His purpose and plan for my life. Some of my prayers I think I pray for in my flesh and not according to God's will. I know He needs control over my life, saying it and giving it are two different things. There are those days where I give Him all, and then for a moment in time I pick it back up again. Hurting hearts seem to last forever, but in the night I have felt God's hand upon me, giving me His peace. I search for answers as to why things happen the way they do. I know in the past I have made mistakes, my children have made mistakes, but you would think over time healing would cover all past, and love would open up forgiveness. For my daughters not to be at home anymore, the silence at times is more than I can take. There isn't a day that goes by that I am not thinking of them, or praying for them, and wondering when all will be well again. It is so hard to be a mom at times. We want to be the perfect parent, we want to give our children the best, but when we fail, we find it hard to forgive ourselves. When things go terribly wrong, you begin to wonder where did I go wrong, what did I do wrong. You begin to question who you are, and then your question of faith comes in. You begin to ask yourself, "Why is God allowing this to happen?" You begin to look at other families and see the happiness that you once shared together and wonder what did they do right and where did I fail so badly. You begin to ask yourself, "Does God really love me?" I have so many questions that have not been answered, that I need answered, but I know that Christ will give some when the time is right and others I may never have a full understanding of why or what went wrong. As a mom, we can look at our children with such love, love that a mother can only have, a bond between you and your child, and when that bond is broken, you are broken as well. You become a different person, you become one who continues to search for answers, and for me, my answers can only be found in Christ. I know He loves me, He loves my children and has never given up one single time. Does Christ become angry when I begin to question why? Does He look down upon me and see just how broken I really am, and how much I still act like all is fine? I have learned through the trial of my life that He is there, and He knows each step I take, whether its two steps forward and three steps back, He is there placing His hand upon me. I know I am His child, and although I didn't see any trial coming, He did, and He knows what is ahead still yet. Many times His children do not chose His path but their own, many times change comes and there is nothing we can do to stop it, or change the path, but we can continue to trust in Him, to know that all that comes to us is allowed by Him for one reason or another. I have learned that it when you have lost all, and you feel as though you are alone, that is the moment in which you know Christ is what you need. You seem to find Him right when you cannot take another step. It is when we fall upon our faces, flat down, that we understand just how much in need of our Savior we are. If you have lost your children to this world, if you have lost them to mistakes, if you have lost them because of choices made, or even because of your faith, God is there and knows just what you need. I have found that my children are not mine, they belong to Christ. They are His children. I have found I cannot base my happiness on my children or what is in my life. Happiness comes as a whim, and at times is not lasting, but joy in your heart comes at the hand of God, and it stays forever. If you are hurting today, don't give up, don't let go of the one who hasn't let go of you. Turn your eyes upon Him, and find your joy in Him. Let Him fill your heart and may you rejoice in today, and what He has placed in your heart. Whatever I know I am missing out on here on this earth, there will be one day, one day in heaven where all will be made perfect and all healing will happen, and I will be able to catch up on all that I have missed. Oh, that will be a perfect day indeed with my Savior. Don't let today get you down, think upon Him, turn your eyes to Him and keep your faith, not moving backward but always moving forward to what He has for you~ "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...