Monday, April 20, 2009

Apirl 20th,the day I will never forget

Today is the anniversary of my dads death twenty-three years ago today.It is a day that still seems like yesterday to me.It is strange that twenty-three years have passed and I could repeat everything moment by moment that happened that day.It was a beautiful day,the sun was shining,just a bit of a breeze blowing,and you could smell the spring flowers,and see all the new things blooming.It was a time for all new things to grow.This year was amazing in the fact that we had had beautiful weather.The last day I had seen my dad was Easter Sunday.Today brings such memories and opens the floodgates for all my different emotions.Hurt,to see my daddy suffer so,anger,to know what was happening to him,and a peace,knowing my daddy wouldn't have to suffer anymore,he wouldn't have to struggle for every breath or be loaded up on morphine drips.I can see the sights,hear the words,and smell all the different smells of that day.Sometimes I feel cheated,that I didn't have much time with my daddy,he would never walk me down the aisle,he would never see his grandaughters,or teach his grandsons to fish.He would never have a conversation with my husband,nor would we ever share in a football game again.He wouldn't be here to protect me,and I wouldn't see my daddy come in the door from work anymore.We would not celebrate anymore holidays together,the most special to us was Christmas.He would always let me open one presant,then he would open one,and I would say lets do one more,and he would agree.Soon all of our presants were opened the night before Christmas.The last gift I gave to him was a gold watch,I was so proud of,that I worked and bought it myself.He loved it,and would wear it everyday.He was proud that I cut hair,and would always cut my daddy's hair,soon though all his hair was gone,and never to grow back again.He wouldn't be there for my mom anymore,and we wouldn't share in laughter or listen to him sing.I feel I had lost so very much.To a girl,no matter what age,her daddy is still daddy,and he was mine. He wasn't a hugging person or even one to say I love you.But I knew I was daddy's girl,I felt his love from all his sacrifices,and the smiles that he gave.I would no longer get to fish with my dad,nor have him untangle my line when I casted off in the weeds.No one realizes how special their parents are until they are gone.Its then when it hits you,just how much you really did love them,and will no longer get to hear them say your name with love.This day has effected my life more than any,it was the day I stopped taking everything in life for granit.This was the day I didn't get to say goodbye,and never again say hello daddy. This day forever will stay with my heart,and each year never gets easier, you just learn how to live without.The last thing my daddy had me promise,was that I would take care of my mom.In my childhood I always heard him tell me he was proud of me,for now,I so long to hear those words from him.To know he would be proud of me now,of the person I became,being a mom,and a wife,living for Christ now.I can only hope he would be proud of me,and of the road I have taken.I am thankful for my daddy,and the time that we had together.If only there could be one more day,just one to say all the things I didn't say,and to hear all the things I so yearn to hear now.We all have those days in our lives that seem to impact us the most,and as I look back in time,that day took and gave me the most,for on that day my life took a turn,and in that direction God overheard.He made a way for me to meet my husband to be,and share with me the love of Christ that would carry me through the rough days of my past.


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